| Maybe it's just me. |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|08:25 am] |
Maybe it's just me, but do you ever get the feeling if you looked a bit more like someone else, you could get everything you'd ever want?
Or maybe if I had a better life, and had the chance to achieve something great. What then? Would I be better off having something to boast about?
If I had a better childhood, better parents, and better situations growing up, I would be a completely different person. But what if I had all those. Would I be a better person? Is it always my fault for the way I am? I delt with the situations in my life the best way I knew how. I'm proud of the way I handled things and the way I grew up. I'm happy with me. But it doesn't seem that too many other people are...
I always think that if I wasn't so picky I could be happy. But I realize that is my false security. It's the other people who are the deciding factor. It's what they want.
I never seem to get any of the things I'd like. I know this , so if I find anything that even resembles happiness, I settle for that. I settle for so much less than I really want. This contributes to some of the shit I go through.
I put myself through it.
I don't know if I even want to try to express how I feel anymore. It seems like everytime I put my feelings out there, things get messed up. I feel used. I lose good friends this way. So I'm sure if I stopped, things would be simple. But simple definitely does not mean happy.
Because what I want is a relationship that works.
Sick of the hookups. Sick of the failed relationships. Sick of the immaturity. But what decides whether it is a hookup or a relationship...is the other person.
I like things spelled out for me. |
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| No one ever knows what I'm going through. It's my own problem. |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|12:00 am] |
I'm sick of the two-week relationships that go no where.
I'm sick of the constant drugs and drinking in Temecula.. It's called moderation. Look into it.
I'm annoyed by the lack of personality in most of the people I hang out with. I'm sick of being ditched or "forgotten" by certain friends. I hate the fact that most of the people I know are going no where in life. No college, no high school diploma, no job.
Grow up and realize your life will extend beyond the drugs and the parties.
I think, with the exception of Kristin Moreno, I will be playing musical friends for a while longer until I find people who show they actually care for me.
And I realized I want a guy best friend.
A boy that I can talk to about anything,
where there will never be feelings to screw up the friendship.
I haven't had that since I was little.
All the in between ones have come and gone.
Some times I never want to grow up.
Things become so much more complicated.
I'm so attached to the childhood friendships.
I hate how they change.
Sometimes things are good growing up.
Supposedly good always comes with the bad.
But I think if you find something great that outweighs the bad,
...you will be extremely lucky
And remember if you actually find something worth your trouble...
It will definitely cost you that much. |
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